The only love we ever keep is the love we give away

True love stays with you for a lifetime. The love he has given me will stay with me forever and for that I am ever grateful. Loving him has been the best experience of my life and if we had had the most horrible, unpleasant break up (which, clearly we haven’t) it wouldn’t make me take back the last four years.

It is because of this love that we shared that I realise I need to let him go. We have been together since we were eighteen years old. When we first met, Rudi was someone who didn’t know much about himself. He didn’t know who he was or what he wanted to do with his life. I helped him figure a lot of this out and get to where he is today but now he needs to explore more on his own. Without the crutch of my constant love, affection and advice; without thinking for two. And I understand that. And while of course it broke my heart, I knew I had to let him go, and I wanted to. Because I love him. Loving someone means you want them to be the most them they can be. To shine, to be happy, to enjoy themselves. I wanted to because our relationship was wonderful and to continue when his heart wasn’t in it would be a disservice to everything we ever shared. I wanted to because I would never stay with someone who wasn’t sure that I was what they wanted. I wanted to because I deserve love.

Although the relationship that in part defined my life for my formative years (and I thought would define the rest of my life) was ending, and my heart was breaking, I remained strong. I remained strong in part because I am not losing him. He is still my best friend and we did this whole thing together. We explored every option before deciding that splitting up was the best one for both of us. We spoke about every last emotion we experienced. We discussed every fine detail of how we were going to do it and what arrangements we would come to. If one of us was feeling sad, we would turn to the other. We did it slowly. We spent a lot of time together but also a lot of time apart. Bit by bit we let go of defining characteristics of our relationship and slipped smoothly into a great friendship dynamic. Our break up remained true to our relationship: it was based on the values of love and true friendship.

Rudi was not the only one who showed his friendship and love in this difficult time. What this experience has taught me the most is how unbelievably lucky I am to have met and become friends with the people who surround me today. Whether it was responding to each and every one of my real time updates, giving me the most wonderfully comforting hug and words of reassurance when I broke down, having hours of Skype dates, inviting me for a girly day or even being the first boy I kissed post-Rudi (and reacting like a trooper when I freaked out because it was too soon…..) it would’ve been quite a different experience if not for these people. Having just come out the other side of a time when I really questioned what exactly friendship meant to me and who exactly my friends were, the confirmation of the fact that I have made all the right choices when it comes to the people I surround myself with was overwhelming. It showed me that this time needn’t be dark. It showed me that this break up leaves me anything but alone. It showed me that there is life and love after Rudi.

Of course I’m not going to sit here and claim that I have felt this good all the time. This is making the best of what is a bad situation. There are times I literally just want to curl up in a ball and cry (and did, once or twice). Times I wake up feeling alone. Times I just feel so lost and adrift. Times I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything’s going to be alright. But there’s nothing I can do about it. Because we discussed everything, I understand him, I want him to be happy and I know this is what he needs to make that happen. As always with life changing situations, the old clichéd sayings always apply and although at times I feel on top of the world and like this isn’t so bad, I am always aware that my heart will just take time to heal. So while my heart is healing, I am not going to sit around and concentrate on it. I am going to go and enjoy myself; and make the best of it. All I can do is believe this is happening for a reason and search for what that reason is for me. That’s why I surround myself with the positivity I spoke about above. That’s why I invest in the friends I adore. Why I invest in things that made me happy as an individual and things I missed about being single. Why whenever he calls me ‘Something Good Can Work’ by Two Door Cinema Club plays.

Will we get back together? Ya, maybe we will. And maybe this break will do nothing but benefit the both of us as individuals, benefit our relationship and make for an even stronger marriage. But maybe we won’t. And if not then it’s just not meant to be and it’s better we found out now, rather than later. If not I guess, it just means he’ll be sitting in one of the pews at my wedding rather than standing at the altar.

I have made a youtube playlist which contains all the songs that really helped me understand and get through this. The first is heart songs by Weeezer simply because it encapsulates what these songs have been to me. They go in order of which are the most fitting, in terms of how both of us felt at the start, during and how we might feel in the future. For me they are relics of moments in time. When I look back on some of them I already feel so differently.

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