I sat in the Station, held my head in my hands and willed the time to pass so I could get home and just cry. I had bumped into someone who knew us as a couple. She didn’t know we weren’t a ‘we’ anymore. I told her about how amicably things ended and how we were still friends…. Well, until recently when things had become a little more ‘complicated’; I delicately explained. I tried to keep a strong poker face as I told her the second part, as thoughts filled my head of how much had changed since I saw her last. How somebody who was, (and still is) so important to me was now another ‘Somebody That I Used to Know’ (not quite that distant and disconnected, but not much closer). But knowing me (and my massive give-away eyes), it all showed. I could see the car crash expression on her face.
I still thought I was fine until I walked away and thoughts were all I was left with. And suddenly my whole body felt wrong and as if I’d been punched in the stomach. I had to concentrate on just breathing. It was at this point I thought of my biggest crutch through this whole upheaval- my music, and particularly Ingrid Michaelson: ‘All I can do is Keep Breathing’.
True love stays with you for a lifetime. The love he has given me will stay with me forever and for that I am ever grateful. Loving him has been the best experience of my life and if we had had the most horrible, unpleasant break up (which, clearly we haven’t) it wouldn’t make me take back the last four years.
It is because of this love that we shared that I realise I need to let him go. We have been together since we were eighteen years old. When we first met, Rudi was someone who didn’t know much about himself. He didn’t know who he was or what he wanted to do with his life. I helped him figure a lot of this out and get to where he is today but now he needs to explore more on his own. Without the crutch of my constant love, affection and advice; without thinking for two. And I understand that. And while of course it broke my heart, I knew I had to let him go, and I wanted to. Because I love him. Loving someone means you want them to be the most them they can be. To shine, to be happy, to enjoy themselves. I wanted to because our relationship was wonderful and to continue when his heart wasn’t in it would be a disservice to everything we ever shared. I wanted to because I would never stay with someone who wasn’t sure that I was what they wanted. I wanted to because I deserve love.
I’ve never written about him because I never could. Not properly. 100, 200, 300; 1000 words would never be enough. He is my soulmate. The ying to my yang. He is every stereotype and more. He is my best friend and I am his. He does things every day to confirm each and
Dearest Sarah Louise,
Welcome to the world 🙂
You were born very early on the morning of Saturday the 12th of December to many who had long awaited your arrival. You must’ve been very comfy in your mom’s tummy as you stayed for a very long time!
You already have very long fingers and toes and a full head of hair. You sleep most the time and open your eyes occassionally.
There are Christmas decorations everywhere, Christmas ads on the TV and Christmas music on the radio. This will always remind us of that special time of the year when you arrived.
You were born just 11 months after your cousin Adam and 8 months after your cousin James. Christmas time with your family should be fun, I am sure you will have a ball with your new playmates! Continue reading